Today is a big day for me. Nope, it’s not my birthday (that was yesterday)…tonight is the premiere of Dancing with the Stars.
For many fans of the show this is exciting, however; for me and my Mom it’s an event. Anyone who knows me understands that when Dancing with the Stars is on the air they need not bother calling or stopping by because I will not be available, not even during the commercials. (We are such fans that we have attended 2 of the Live Dancing with the Stars tours.)
Since the first few seasons of the show my Mom and I call each other during every commercial break to share our assessment of the previous dance routine, song choice, as well as, the judges’ scores and comments. It’s our thing.
I’ve always enjoyed dancing (some Sue trivia, I even taught ballroom dance for a short time back in my 20’s), however; what I really like is that it is something I can share with my Mom. Over the past few years through health struggles (see One Word Can Change Your Life ) and loss of loved ones (see For Aunt Josie), watching Dancing with the Stars has given us the opportunity to discuss something that we both enjoy and doesn’t involve doctors, hospitals or any medical jargon.
As caregivers we can sometimes get so caught up in the tasks of caregiving that we forget to find ways to connect with our loved ones. I am blessed that I have always been very close to my Mom, however; I too can get caught up in the health needs and forget to foster the relationship outside of the health issues.
- Find ways to connect with the person you care for beyond the health care needs. Go to a movie, lunch (not tagged onto a doctor’s appointment).
- Have conversations that do not involve scheduling the next appointment or how they are feeling. If the conversation starts to go in that direction bring it back around by saying something like “we can talk about that more tomorrow, right now I want to hear about blank”
- Schedule “fun time” with your loved ones!
Caregiving is hard and the time we have with those we love goes by so quickly. Take time today to reach out and connect with those you love.
For more support visit CaregiverLife.com
Posted in boomers, caregiving
Tagged boomers, cancer, caregiving, dancing with the stars, DWTS, elder care, family, family caregiver, family connections, family fun, health, time together
Recap: I in my blog On the Edge Part 1, I shared my favorite scene from the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”, is where George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) & Mary Hatch – later Bailey (played by Donna Reed) are at the high school dance caught up in the Charleston contest. In the scene a jealous rival (trivia moment: played by the actor who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals) finds out that the gym floor opens up to reveal a pool and that George was dancing right over the opening and that the button to open the floor was right in front of him. As most of us know, the rival presses the button and after several dance moves the couple finds themselves in the pool.
What happens next is such a classic move, after the initial shock; George grabs Mary and continues to dance! This move inspires the watchers who take a leap and join in.
Points to Ponder:
- How do you react when things don’t go as planned? Do you adapt and make the best of where you end up or do you bemoan and complain about where you are?
- The only constant in life is change. How flexible are you to what life throws at you?
- How does your adaptability or lack there of, affect those around you?
- What have you put in the way of creating more flow in your life when things don’t go as planned?
How we adapt to what life throws at us unexpectedly can make the difference not just for our life and health but for those around us as well. We have a choice about how we react in the face of conflict, trials, unexpected twists and tragedy. However; it takes the presence of mind and the ability to step back and take a breath and adapt. So what will you do; keep dancing or stand on the sidelines and watch?
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” – Charles Swindoll
One of my favorite movies is “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I love the scene where George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) & Mary Hatch – later Bailey (played by Donna Reed) are at the high school dance caught up in the Charleston contest. In the scene a jealous rival (trivia moment: played by the actor who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals) finds out that the gym floor opens up to reveal a pool and that George was dancing right over the opening and that the button to open the floor was right in front of him. As most of us know, the rival presses the button and after several dance moves the couple finds themselves falling into the pool.
As the couple is dancing they continue to get dangerously close to the edge and can see the reaction of those around them, however; they have no idea it’s because of pending misfortune for the couple. George thinks that they are being watched because of the great job they are doing.
Points to Ponder:
- Why didn’t someone tell this couple about the potential harm that was coming their way? Here is a large group of people standing around this couple just watching and waiting for them to fall in. Not one person made a move to stop them from falling. (OK, don’t get all goofy about it, I know it’s a movie but it can have real life implications)
- How many times in our lives do we stand by and watch friends and family on the edge of harm and say nothing because we don’t want to interfere?
- What would it take to step out of our excuses and at least caution someone of potential harm? I want to be clear, I know it is uncomfortable to step out of our comfort zone and share our concern with them, I also know that there are risks involved such as conflict, loss of relationship as well as the potential to be blamed for some bad outcome, however; there is also the opportunity to help someone move in a healthier direction.
I’ve spoken with hundreds of families and I can share with you that a recurring theme is: we knew something was changing but we didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, many times, that led to the family doing nothing.
When you see someone headed for potential harm, whether it is the effects of medication, increasing depression or potential addiction, standing by and watching can lead to the need for re-active decision-making, guilt and unnecessary pain. Certainly. there is always a chance that we say something and the person still goes down the same path, however; we will never know unless we take that step.
Posted in aging, boomers, caregiving, eldercare, sandwich generation
Tagged aging, boomers, caregiver, caregiving, caregiving and stress, Christmas, Donna Reed, eldercare, holidays, It's a wonderful life, Jimmy Stewart, meditation and self reflection, sandwich generation, speak up, support
Years ago I met a woman at a rehab facility while visiting a family member. She was recovering from a stroke and looking forward to getting back home. I acknowledged how well she was doing considering the circumstances. She said “It all comes down to being in the right place at the right time.” She went on to explain that she was actually in her doctor’s office, located in the building attached to the hospital when she had the stroke, within minutes they had her in the emergency room.
She then added “It’s my own fault I had the stroke, I went off my blood thinners in anticipation of a procedure with a specialist and didn’t talk to my primary doctor before doing it.”
Unfortunately her story is not unique. Even though there are more systems in place than ever before to support continuity of care and communication between physicians, I wanted to share some pro-active tips when you or your loved one have multiple care providers.
- Don’t assume that your doctors communicate with each other (or view updates on your electronic record).
- ALWAYS bring an updated list of your current medications to EVERY appointment, noting when they are taken and dosage, better yet bring the actual bottles to each appointment. This way nothing gets lost in translation (including your dentist/chiropractor).
- Along the same lines, ask each doctor for a list of the medications they have on file for you to compare to your list.
- If you have scheduled a test or procedure with a specialist call your primary doctor’s office to make them aware of it.
- When having any tests run, ask them to send a copy of the results to your primary doctor as well. If they say it’s available on your e-record, politely ask again that they make his office aware of it.
- You have the right to get copies of your medical records and tests results. Make sure to ask for a copy for your personal records or understand how to access them from online portals.
- When it comes to your health, NOTHING is too small to share. If there are ANY changes in how you feel should be shared with ALL of your doctors/specialists.
- ASK QUESTIONS! Many times our visits are a whirlwind of information, however, you have the right to ask as many questions (even if they are the same ones over and over) until you FULLY understand the information being given to you by the provider!
- You have the right to refuse treatment of any kind until you fully understand why it was ordered and what possible outcomes/side-effects are.
We can’t all be in the right place at the right time when a health emergency occurs. Making communication with your primary doctor and/or specialist (in the case of an Oncologist) a priority about upcoming tests and procedures, you may be able to steer clear of potential life threatening issues.
For more resources visit: CaregiverLife.com
What is Guilt?
Unwarranted response to an imagined offense
Unless you actually killed someone (which I’m assuming 99.9% of my readers have not) then you are imposing this idea of having “wronged” someone else. Caregivers feel guilty for many reasons, however; if you take time to look at the needs and circumstances at the time of your decisions you will find, more often than not you did the best you could with the information you had.
Based on impractical expectations we put on ourselves
Caregivers tend to be over-achievers which means that we have the tendency to put unrealistic expectations on ourselves when it comes to caring for someone we love. Remember, you are human and as a human you are not capable of being perfect.
(See Mistakes Will Be Made)
A story we have created about a situation
It has been said that hindsight is 20/20, however; in many cases hind sight can be skewed by perception and emotion. Focus on the facts of the situation as opposed to the emotional response to the circumstances.
Setting the Stage to Let Go
- Trying harder isn’t working – you can try as hard as you want, however; it really is an exercise in futility. Base your evaluation on facts vs emotion.
- Guilt destroys people emotionally and physically – letting go of guilt is the best thing for your mental and physical well-being. The pressure that carrying around guilt causes can affect your physical health, emotional health and cause stress in your relationships.
- Did I purposely set out to harm my loved one? – Most likely the answer is a resounding NO
- Did I make decisions as best I could under the circumstances? – Hind sight may be 20/20, however; we don’t have the luxury of this insight while making sometimes major life decisions for others. Evaluate your decisions based on what you knew to be true at the time the decision was made.
Most importantly the only person who can make you feel guilty is you. Make it a priority to forgive yourself (see Forgiving Myself)
For more support visit CaregiverLife.com