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Duty and Honor

23 Feb

On a full flight from Atlanta to Chicago I noticed a soldier was sitting behind me.  As is my custom I thanked him for his service to which he sheepishly responded “thank you”.  A few minutes before take off the flight attendant approached the soldier to notify him that a man in first class wanted to give him his seat.  Those of us around him encouraged him to take the offer and it was heartwarming to watch him take the long walk from the back of the plane to his place up front.

Conversely, I also noticed a middle-aged woman who had gotten on the plane with her elderly mother.  Other passengers plane most likely didn’t notice her unless they were “stuck” behind her as she tried to see to both her and her mothers’ bags as well as assist in securing both of them in their seats.  Even if people did notice her, most passengers in first class are not going to give up their seat for her and, even if they did she have probably given it to her mother before taking it herself.

Much like those who enlist in the military, there is a sense of honor and duty for those who “sign up” to care for an elderly family member.  Caring for an elderly parent is not an easy job and, though obviously the daily perils of being in the military far exceed those of a family caregiver who is physically caring for their parent, there are some paradigms.

Points to Ponder:

Both the military and caregiving:

  • Entail a high level of physical and emotional output
  • Involve a sense of honor (a higher calling)
  • Require a sense of duty
  • Put someone or something else’s needs in front of their own
  • Necessitate the ability to be flexible yet focused on getting things done
  • Can have detrimental affect on ones physical health if they don’t take proper care of themselves
  • Involve the need to keep moving even when you want to stop and rest
  • Are thankless jobs

If you have never been a family caregiver, you may think I have completely lost my mind comparing military personnel to family caregivers.  However; if you are or have ever been a family caregiver in the trenches caring for someone you love as I have, I’m sure you can relate to this correlation.

Action items:

  • If you see someone from the military whether in an airport, restaurant or on the street please take a moment to shake their hand and thank them for their service. 
  • If you know someone who is caring for a family member take time to thank them for all they do every day to help that other person.
“Honor is the reward to those who answer the call to serve.”- Michael Nichols
 
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Posted by on February 23, 2012 in aging, caregiving, caregiving and stress, eldercare, encouragement, healthcare, taking care of yourself, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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Interview on Public Perspectives

16 Feb

I had the honor of being interviewed by Kevin McDermott on his show Public Perspectives.  To watch the interview http://ustre.am/:11m1P

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2012 in eldercare, health care, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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Tired and Wired

15 Feb

Over coffee a friend and I were discussing the cold that is going around.  I shared how my cold has been hanging on for weeks and I’ve tried all kinds of over the counter medications but none are helping.  My friend shared that he didn’t like taking cold medication because it made him tired and wired all at the same time.

The truth of the statement made me laugh, however; it also made me think about how true this statement is for family caregivers.  This past month as I’ve helped care for several family members I have spent most of my time exhausted in action.  I didn’t think of stopping because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to start again.

The tasks associated with caregiving are numerous, especially when multiplied by the rest of our work/life responsibilities.  I daily write blogs, articles and emails that share the importance of self-care, however; when our “in-motion” fuel is made up of a mixture of adrenaline, stress and worry with lack of sleep thrown in for good measure it’s hard to stop the momentum and take time for ourselves.

However; it’s crucial for all human beings to have down time in order to rejuvenate and be fully involved in the decisions needed to be made, as well as present for those we love.

Here are some tips to take you from tired and wired to active and healthy:

  • Get a good night’s sleep – see http://theworkingcaregiver.org/2012/02/13/worry-hours/ for helpful tips
  • Plan for the day – instead of running all over kingdom come, write down your appointments and errands for the day and set up a best scenario route.  For example every day I write down what is the optimal route to drive to take care of all of my errands in an efficient and effective way (not to mention cost savings on gas).
  • Evaluate requests– when people ask you to take on “other duties as assigned” evaluate each one by asking the following questions:
    • Do I really have the time and the energy to take this on?
    • Am I doing something that someone else can do for themselves?
    • What will I have to give up in order to take this on?
    • Set Boundaries– create “me-time” each day where you don’t answer your phone and you let your family and friends know that during this time no one can ask anything of you.  Start with 10 minutes and increase your time each day by 5 minutes until you get up to an hour of focused time to yourself.
      • This could include resting on your bed.
      • Taking a bath.
      • Walking around the block.
      • Reading the paper.

Understand that taking care of yourself is key to truly helping those around you.  Make yourself the priority today!  You’ll be healthier for it.

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2012 in caregiving

 

Worry Hours

13 Feb

Working in the health care field for the past 20 years I have heard the term “Worry Hours” repeatedly when discussing family caregivers. These hours are between 10pm and 1am when family caregivers, overwhelmed by the burdens of managing  caregiving duties, work load, family life and personal health, are wide awake and full of anxiety and stress. However; studies have shown that worry, stress and lack of sleep are detrimental to our health.

Most of us understand that getting a good night”s sleep is imperative to being alert, attentive and of sound mind in order to properly manage the day-to-day chaos in our lives.

Some simple adjustments can assist in decreasing your stress level and help you get to sleep:

  • As much as you can, keep a regular bedtime.
  • Create a sense of calm in your bedroom.
    • Keep TV’s out of the room or turned off.
    • Turn clocks around so you cannot see the time – studies have found that people can train themselves to get up at the same time each night by looking at their clock. If you cannot see your clock it can help you get back to sleep.
    • Play a relaxation CD each night as you get ready to go to sleep. Doing this routinely will train your brain to associate the CD with sleep.

If you wake up in the middle of the night with worry ask yourself the following question: Can I do something right now about this issue?

  • If you can do something at that moment – just do it.
  • If it’s work related, send yourself an email from your personal email to your work email so you can follow-up in the morning.
  • If you can’t take care of the situation immediately write it down. – I find it helpful to keep a notepad next to the bed to note items that I need  to addressed in the morning.
  • Leave yourself a voice-mail message to follow-up on the items that are keeping you up. SIDE-NOTE: I used this method when I was caring for my grandpa and would come into work in the morning and the first several voice-mails were usually from me, but I found it very effective.

If it’s out of your control – let it go.  Worrying about things that are out of our control is madness so use the following tools to relax and get back to the business of sleeping.

  • Positive self-talk : (i.e.: I am doing the best I can).
  • Prayer – always a helpful tool.
  • Deep breathing.

Take action today (well tonight really) and start sleeping your way to a healthier, more stress-free you!

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2012 in aging, boomers, caregiving, caregiving and stress, eldercare, health care, sandwich generation, taking care of yourself, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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I Wish I Were an Idiot

03 Feb

If I were an Idiot, I could…

  • Get my name and picture in countless magazines and newspapers for my reckless bad-mannered antics.
  • Be offered a contract with a major publisher to write a “how to get paid for being stupid” book that my “people” would contract with a large PR agency to promote for me all over the country and make it a “best seller”.
  • Secure interviews on national radio and TV shows to discuss how to become famous for antics related to: DUI arrests, sex videos, my 10th time in rehab or being married for less than a minute.
  • Have my own reality show so weekly viewers could witness firsthand what an idiot I am.
  • Hold major political office and conduct myself in such a corrupt fashion that it would win me national attention and a spot on the Apprentice.

…but I’m not.

I’m merely someone who recognizes that there are an estimated 65 million Americans who are caring for an aging loved one and passionate enough to create resource books and programs that would help them find the support and resources they desperately need.

This passion has prompted me to…

  • To write and publish 2 books: Along Comes Grandpa, a caregiving resource guide, and If I Walked In Her Shoes, a novel addressing elder-care issues.
  • Produce, finance and distribute marketing and promotion for my books and speaking.
  • Launch AgingInfoUSA, a providing education and training to educate and empower family caregivers in the workplace.
  • Finance the marketing of AgingInfoUSA to corporations whose bottom line is being affected annually upwards of $33 billion a year in lost revenue due to caregiving issues.

My commitment to help family caregivers isn’t flashy or exciting.  However; issues related to caregiving will affect each of us at some point in our lives. 

So today I am asking you to partner with me in spreading the word about books that can make a difference to millions of family caregivers.  Visit: http://www.alongcomesgrandpa.com for more information about the books.

(If a drunk and disorderly “Reality Star” can sell over 25,000 books about herself, I would be hopeful of selling at least twice that number of books that actually help people!)

About the Author: Sue Salach

Sue has worked in the geriatric healthcare field for 20 years and is the Founder and CEO of AgingInfoUSA, LLC.  Sue employs her comprehensive experience and enthusiasm to assist corporations in creating innovative programs to reach out to employee caregivers in the workplace. As a National Speaker, Sue utilizes her personal and professional experiences to educate and empower employees on the work/life affects of caregiving.  Sue’s unique humor laced programs address significant issues affecting our fast-paced lives. 

Sue was the 2010 recipient of the YWCA Marguerite Henry Leadership Award for Communications/Technology and the Influential Women in Business Award from the Business Ledger and NAWBO. AgingInfoUSA received the 2010 Excellence in Business Award from the Business Ledger and was nominated for the Chicago Innovation Award.

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2012 in aging, alzheimer's, boomers, caregiving, eldercare, encouragement, Funny, It's fun to laugh, just stuff, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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Check out my YouTube Channel

02 Feb

Enjoy video’s and support information via YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/aginginfousa

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2012 in elders, caregiving, aging, dying, working caregiver, boomers, alzheimer's, health care, my favorite things, work/life/flex, It's fun to laugh, healthy living, just stuff, eldercare, against all odds, Funny, healthcare, sandwich generation, forgiveness, caregiving and stress, financial burden of caregiving

 

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Reconcilliation and Your Well-Being

31 Jan

Growing up my family was very close. In typical Italian style, every Sunday was spent at my grandparent’s home in Chicago where random aunts, uncles and cousins (most of which lived on the same block) gathered for an amazing feast. My grandfather, the middle child of 5 had a younger brother named Chris who I had never met. Chris was rarely mentioned and when he was it was with a tone of bitterness. Confused by the paradox between the closeness of the family and the outcast of one member I once asked my grandmother why Chris was not a part of our close-knit group. She quickly replied that there had been a “falling out” and then promptly changed the subject.

Unfortunately for my grandma, I had a simple, yet profound follow-up question, “what happened?” To my surprise, she didn’t quite remember all that had happened but knew that it was bad enough to “break up the family”. I later heard that the “incident” involved Chris’s wife making a comment to someone else about my grandma, which had then been relayed to my grandpa through a third-party and therefore caused the rift. Shortly before my grandma’s death my grandpa and his brother reconnected and reconciled, at this point neither could tell you why they had stayed apart so long.

I share this example because, as an adult, I comprehend that the 30+ year divide was based on hear-say most of which most likely included Italian dramatization of the actual event. To some this may seem extreme, however; in my 20 year career I have met hundreds of families torn apart by a random comment, perceived offense or imaginary conflict. Stressed out people, especially those caring for an elderly loved one can misinterpret the comments and actions of others. In many cases, instead of trying to clarify the facts a grand story is created about the other person’s actions and intentions.

When we are in conflict with others, the conflict is really where we are. Many times the other person doesn’t even know that there is a conflict. The stress from these family feuds, if allowed to fester can cause major health issues. However; if addressed in a timely manner can more often than not be cleared up quickly.

Points to Ponder

  • Is there someone in your family that you are in conflict with?
  • If you looked at the facts of the incident(s) that caused the conflict what part did you play in the conflict?
  • What would you have to “give-up” in order to resolve the conflict?
  • What would become easier in your life if you were no longer a part of this conflict?

To really answer these questions one must first leave their pride outside and take responsibility for their part in the conflict. However; if able to realistically evaluate the situation and allow yourself to forgive others and be reconciled with them, you will be amazed at how much lighter you will feel.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2012 in caregiving, working caregiver, boomers, encouragement, work/life/flex, truth shall set you free, just stuff, against all odds, forgiveness, caregiving and stress

 

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Guest Blog:How to Ease the Transition to Assisted Living

27 Jan

If your loved one is considering moving into an assisted living situation of some sort, you’re likely have a lot of concerns about the type of conditions they will encounter.  They may have some reservations when it comes to counting on others for care and services because they’ve been taking care of themselves for so long.  But if you can no longer deny that your loved one needs some help, then it’s time to think about transitioning to some type of assisted living.

The move can be a hard one on many levels.  Not only will your loved one likely be moving to another location (possibly away from their long-time family home), and having to give up the things that are important to them and, if possible, make them part of the search.

So here are just a few areas that should be addressed when it comes to making the move and how your loved one will adjust to the transition.

  1. Services.  The main reason to move to any type of assisted living situation is the services provided.  So you need to think about what will really make their life easier.  Some facilities provide housekeepers, cooks, and transportation services, which most seniors will find useful.  If they are a social butterfly still fairly active, they may want more.  Be sure to ask about activities such as social mixers and movie nights and exercise.
  2. Medical care.  The older we get the more likely we are to develop medical issues (both physical and mental).  If this is a concern then the level of medical care provided by a facility is important to address.  The ability to choose care providers will make a big difference in how your loved one handle this major life change.
  3. Location.  To not feel cut off from everyone and everything that connect them to their previous life, look for a facility that is near home.  The location of their new home is important because it can affect how connected they feel to family and to the world in general.
  4. Allowances.  Your loved one may have the option to bring their furnishings and personal possessions (although they might have to downsize a bit) as well as pets.  For many people, being surrounded by familiar belongings can make moving to a new home much easier.
  5. Privacy and independence.  By far the biggest concern that most seniors face when considering a retirement home.  If your loved one has serious health issues, they might not have much choice when it comes to having medical staff popping in and out.

About the Author: Today’s guest post comes from Evan Fischer is a freelance writer and part-time student at California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks, California.

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2012 in caregiving

 

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Change is the Only Constant

26 Jan

Maya Angelou once said “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” I thought about this as I watched the Biggest Loser a few months back. The contestants, who, on the first episode, were split into 3 teams to compete for the prize of picking their trainers, were now being split into 3 new teams and once again having to compete for the same prize, picking their trainer, but this time they would have this trainer through the end of the show.

Of the 9 contestants left only 2 ended up with their original trainers. This change sent the contestants into complete meltdown. As they showed the sidebars with the contestants they were beside themselves. A few spoke about being sick to their stomachs’, several made negative comments during the challenge. In some way shape or form every contestant was fighting against the entire process, as if making disagreeable comments would somehow change the producers mind and cancel the challenge. One contestant, with tears in his eyes simply said “I don’t like change”.

Ironically, in life, everything is in continuous motion and therefore constantly changing. From day-to-day and sometimes minute to minute things can change. It’s not about liking or disliking change, it’s about our reactions to the change. For most of their lives, these contestants responded to changing situations by eating. The dilemma is that if change is constant then you end up constantly eating. The same is true for all of us; maybe for you it’s not food but alcohol or other drugs. Some turn to shopping or overspending or _______ (fill in your reaction device here).

However; if we look at change as something that will always be then, instead of fighting against it and in some cases destroying our bodies and our lives, we have the opportunity to evaluate our reactions and decrease the amount of stress in our lives.

Questions to Consider:

  • How have I been reacting to the flow of changes in my life?
  • What is my usual pattern of reaction to change?
  • How does my reaction affect those around me (family, friends, husband, and kids)?
  • How does my reaction to change affect my overall health?
  • What can I do differently to create a healthier pattern?

The reality is that, things will continue to change and we will continue to react to that change. However; taking steps to recognize and change destructive reactions can help us live longer, healthier lives.

“It’s the unhappy people who most fear change.” -Mignon McLaughlin

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” – Winston Churchill

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2012 in aging, boomers, caregiving, caregiving and stress, encouragement, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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Nothing Left Unsaid

25 Jan

I saw a preview for the new movie “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” about a young boy whose father was killed in the 9/11 attacks.  One of my most unsettling thoughts regarding 9/11 was about what was left unsaid. My mind goes to a couple who possibly had a fight that morning, most likely about something trivial.  They both head off to work fighting some imaginary battle with each other and spending their commute planning the rebuttal argument they will have over dinner that will prove them right and their spouse wrong.

Because of the fight, they didn’t kiss their spouse goodbye or tell them that they love them; after all they’d make up later after they proved their point and came out victorious in the battle. Sadly “later” never came.

I ponder this scenario because on many occasions I am that spouse. Fighting my imaginary battle, proving myself right at any cost to my relationships and personal health.

As none of us knows when our final day on earth will be then maybe we should treat each moment as uniquely special and an opportunity to share with those around us how we feel for them. This isn’t about living life in a chicken little state of falling skies or constant dread, it’s about putting aside our pride and telling people around us how much they mean to us.

A few months back my best friends’ father died. He had been sick for some time, however; I don’t think anyone is every really prepared for the death of a loved one. As I sat with her after receiving the news, she shared how her dad had on several occasions by phone, in person and most recently in a letter, told her how much he loved her.  As she read his letter aloud I thought about what a blessing is for her to have the memories of her dad sharing over and over how proud he was of her and how much she meant to him.

Though very different scenarios, unexpected loss verses a terminal illness, both brought me to ponder the following questions:

  • Is being right more important than being loving to those around you?
  • Are their some unresolved issues that need to be addressed that you have been putting off?
  • Are their people in your life that you love that you maybe haven’t conveyed to them how much they mean to you?
  • Are their people that you need to forgive, including yourself, in order to live a more full and loving life?

I’m not saying it’s easy to put pride aside, choose our battles and maintain a loving attitude towards those around us.  However; what’s left unsaid can lead to bitterness, broken relationships and missed opportunities for a full and healthy life.

For many of us we have unresolved relationship issues over things that, when put in perspective aren’t all that important, as well as people we haven’t expressed our love and appreciate for in a while.  Why not take time today to give them a call or write a letter and leave nothing unsaid.

 
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Posted by on January 25, 2012 in against all odds, aging, boomers, caregiving, caregiving and stress, dying, encouragement, forgiveness, healthy living, losing a loved one

 

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Did Senator Mark Kirk have Warning Signs of a Stroke

23 Jan

The sad news of Senator Mark Kirk’s stroke at age 52 brings to light the reality that age does not play a factor when it comes to this affliction.  Every year, stroke strikes approximately 795,000 Americans – killing 144,000 and forever changing the lives of many who survive.  Everyone has some risk so it is important to learn the warning signs of a stroke as well as how to decrease the chances of it happening to you.

According to the National Stroke Association using the acronym FAST can help identify warning signs of a stroke.

FACE: Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?

ARMS:  Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?

SPEECH: Ask the person to repeat a simple phrase. Is their speech slurred or strange?

TIME: If you observe any of these signs, call 9-1-1 immediately.

Act FAST and CALL 9-1-1 IMMEDIATELY at any sign of a stroke.

Other stroke symptoms include:

  • SUDDEN numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg – especially on one side of the body.
  • SUDDEN confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
  • SUDDEN trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
  • SUDDEN trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
  • SUDDEN severe headache with no known cause.

Are You At Risk?

Medical risk factors include: high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, atrial fibrillation and carotid artery disease.  Having an annual check-up and simple lifestyle changes can assist in decreasing your risk of having a stroke.

Lifestyle changes can reduce your risk

  • Check your blood pressure. There are blood pressure machines at most pharmacies where you can check it for free.  If it is elevated, contact your doctor immediately to start getting it under control. High blood pressure is a leading cause of stroke.
  • Have your doctor check for atrial fibrillation (also called AF). Your doctor can detect AF by carefully checking your pulse.
  • Stop smoking. Smoking doubles the risk for stroke.
  • Only drink alcohol in moderation. Remember that alcohol is a drug – it can interact with other drugs you are taking, and alcohol is harmful if taken in large doses. If you don’t drink, don’t start.
  • Healthy Eating.  Lowering your sodium intake and the amount of fatty foods you eat can assists in lowing your blood pressure as well as your cholesterol.
  • Exercise. Something as simple as a brisk walk, swim or other activity for as little as 30 minutes a day can improve your health and may reduce stroke risk.

80 percent of strokes can be avoided by annual check-ups and making simple lifestyle changes.  Unfortunately for Senator Kirk he may have had warning signs he ignored prior to the stroke.  Knowing the warning signs may have helped him to avoid this tragedy.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms please seek immediate medical attention. For more information on how to reduce your risks of stroke visit http://www.stroke.org

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in aging, boomers, caregiving and stress, chronic conditions, health care, healthcare, healthy living, work/life/flex

 

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Observations from the Waiting Area

23 Jan

Several months ago I had the opportunity to wait for half an hour in the entrance of a well-known restaurant for my friend Jan, who was stuck in traffic. I refer to the time as an opportunity because, as I have said over and over (like a broken record); every day we have a chance to choose how we see the circumstances of our day-to-day life.

Since I could not control the arrival time of my friend, I focused on what I could control, how I was going to spend my waiting time. I decided to utilize the time people-watching the guests as they arrived at the restaurant. I observed the guests as they arrived and studied their reactions to the overworked hostess when she told them that, since they did not have a reservation, it was about a 45 minute wait. I then placed each of the guests into two categories.

Category 1: No Time to Spare

These guests, usually businesspeople, arrived and, after speaking with the hostess did not have the time or the patience to wait. A number of them just left quietly while others left in a huff with a look of indignation that shouted, “I can’t believe you can’t seat me immediately. I know I didn’t call ahead for a reservation and it’s one of your busiest nights, but I am businessman Bob and I want special attention”.

Category 2: The Waiters

These guests usually took a seat in what I deemed the “viewing” area where I was sitting. Some spent their time discussing work gossip, family updates or relationship matters, while others sat not 2 inches from each other and didn’t say a word to each other for the entire wait time. Other guests were waiting for all the members of their party to arrive (the hostess wouldn’t seat them until everyone was there).

The “Waiters” fell into one of four categories:

A. The Let’s Be Friends: I usually fall into this category. This person goes to the area with the most people and then tries to transition their way into a conversation with those around them. This helps them to feel like they are not alone until their “real” friends arrive, then with a smile and an “It was nice talking to you” they depart from their “waiting” friends.

B. The Worker Bee: These people are easy to spot mostly because they are usually pacing around in a small area making phone calls or sending emails on their Blackberry’s. Some are utilizing the wait as an opportunity to get caught up so they can get home on time or spend their lunchtime visit focused on their table-mate. Others, however; use the time for work purposes for reasons of pride and self promotion. They want the other “waiters” to know that they are important and that their time is money.

C. The Nervous Nellie: This person stood anxiously close to the front door with a questioning look as if to say “Will my party show? Did I come on the right day? The right restaurant?” My assumption is that they stay close to the front door in case of a no-show so they can make a quick and quiet exit.

D. The Negotiator: This person doesn’t want to wait in the viewing area, their motivation is either want to be seated immediately even though everyone in their party has not yet arrived (which is the policy of the restaurant) or they want to jump the line and get a table ahead of others that came in before them. They stand close to the hostess stand, usually in the way of the staff, and try to befriend the hostess while keeping a constant watch on the “wait-list” on the stand in front of her to watch their progress to the top and look for ways to get ahead. The reality is, if they were paying attention to the hostess they would notice the annoyed look on her face every time they tried to interject themselves ahead of someone else and how much longer their wait seemed then their counterparts in the viewing area who choose to focus on enjoying the company of others.

I found it interesting how these guests chose to spend their wait-time. I am always in favor of making the most of any time we have been given. Whether it’s time spent catching up on work so we can enjoy time with our friends and family later, making new friends or catching up with old friends. Our choices can either make our situation more enjoyable or can send our stress-o-meter into overdrive.

Remember how much we get caught up in the Hustle and Bustle of life is up to us. We still make the choice to enjoy the time with others or make ourselves frustrated by external circumstances for which we have no control.

Which will you choose?

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in caregiving, caregiving and stress, Funny, healthy living, just stuff, nothing to do with caregiving, taking care of yourself, work/life/flex

 

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Good Grief

12 Jan

Many people I’ve spoken with about grief think that there is a “time of mourning”. This would suggest a beginning as well as an end. I believe that grief is a journey that has no end date, it simply changes over time. There are many different stages of this journey, however; grieving a loss doesn’t come to some sort of end during our lifetime it merely changes as time travels forward.

Over the last year as our family experienced several deaths, both expected and unexpected. I observed the reactions of family and friends to these losses. Based on these observations I created 4 grief reaction categories.

  • Action Heroes: these are the “get it done” grievers who spring into action, coordinating, communicating and arranging, as if being in constant motion will keep them from the painful reality of the loss.
  • Lamenters: these grievers bemoan their grief and cannot have any conversation without bringing awareness to their loss, focusing mostly on their guilt and regrets associated with the loss.
  • Frozen Stiffs: almost paralyzed by the loss they cannot be in action, nor can they bemoan their loss. They usually have a somewhat blank affect and are unable to make any decisions, even simple ones.
  • Disconnects: this category of mourners literally detach themselves emotionally from the situation and functions in a “business as usual” atmosphere.

Clearly, there is no right or wrong way to react to tragedy and, for those of us trying to support our grieving friends and family, we should keep in mind that grief is more of a marathon than a sprint.

Suggestions on how to help others in the days, weeks and years that pass after a loss.

  • Stay connected: reach out to those who are grieving especially during the year following the loss. Recognize important dates ( birthdays/ anniversaries) of the person who is gone.
  • Give them permission to have fun: Sometimes we need to give others permission to laugh in spite of their loss. However; don’t push them too much to get out and have fun, they will need to do this in their own time. There will be times when they will want to and other times when they will not.
  • Sometimes there are no words and that is ok! You don’t always need to have something to say, sometimes just showing up and sitting with them can be enough.
  • Help them in finding support from professionals such as a grief counselor or Pastor. Offer to make the call to a counselor/Pastor for them. Though grief is a journey, some people can get stuck in the overwhelming feeling of their loss and need professional help to move them forward.

I’m sure there are many more ideas to support to those around us who are grieving so please feel free to post your ideas.

For more resources visit: http://www.alongcomesgrandpa.com

 
50 Comments

Posted by on January 12, 2012 in aging, boomers, caregiving, caregiving and stress, dying, eldercare, losing a loved one, work/life/flex, working caregiver

 

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Caregiving and Alzheimer’s: Asking the Right Questions

09 Jan

A frustrated friend called me for help while visiting her mother.  Her mother’s Alzheimer’s was progressing and she was exhibiting some, let’s say, wearisome behaviors (to my friend that is).  It had been over a week and her mother refused to change her clothes.  She and her sister had spent days going through her mothers’ expansive closet showing her all of the beautiful clothes she owned; yet she remained in the same outfit.

I ask her one question, “What is it about those clothes?”  After a perplexed silence, she asked me to explain.  I invited her to consider that, though her mother was confused, there could be a valid reason behind that particular choice of clothing over the plethora of other options.  I recommended she ask her mother directly why she refused to change her clothes.

A few days later she called to share what she had learned about the clothes… Her mother spent some of her childhood in a German concentration camp.  She had experienced the horrors of Hitler’s reign and the death of her parents, family and friends first hand.  Everything she owned she could carry in her pants pocket.  These items, though not valuable, were very sacred because they were hers.  As her Alzheimer’s progressed she began to relive some of the fear and paranoia associated being the survivor of such an unspeakable trauma. I advised her to buy several outfits similar to the one she was wearing and donate the rest of her clothes to charity.  She did and her mother started changing her clothes.

Another friend shared her frustration over her father’s need to wear the same jeans all the time. I advised her to ask him “Why those pants”.  A few days later I saw her again and she said that her father explained that they were comfortable and that when he tried to find replacements nothing fit him right.  Though she understood, the pants were well worn and had some good sized stains; and she added that she was ready to sneak into his house in the middle of the night and steal them so he would be forced to get new ones.  I imparted a compromise.  What if she dyed the jeans a dark color to cover the stains and make the pants more presentable?  Then he gets to keep his favorite pair of jeans and she doesn’t have to be embarrassed about taking him out in the pants.  She did and it worked.

Points to Ponder:

  • Have we tried to push our agenda on an elderly loved one due to embarrassment or frustration without asking some simple questions?
  • How can we create an atmosphere of communication?
  • What compromises can we come to that would work for both of us?

These tips can be applied to more than just caring for someone with Alzheimer’s.  Take time today to ponder questions that could open up communication in the all the important relationships in your life.

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2012 in against all odds, aging, alzheimer's, caregiving, caregiving and stress, chronic conditions, disabilities, eldercare, encouragement, health care, Home Care, making a plan, sandwich generation, unintentional caregiving, working caregiver

 

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Perspective from the Rearview Mirror

06 Jan

It’s hard to believe that it’s January.  It feels like time speeds up as each year passes.  2011 was a year filled with so many trials and tragedy that, at times, I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry.

2011 began for us with a call from my sister-in-law Cathy in Florida with the news that my mother-in-law, Tillie, was found unresponsive and had been put on life support.  Her heart was not working properly and required open heart surgery.  Her surgery was scheduled for the first Monday in February.

Prior to her surgery my brother-in-law Bob, from Idaho, flew to Florida spend time with her and help Cathy out as my in-laws live with her.  While Bob was there he went out for a jog, during which he had a massive heart attack and died on the running trail. Bob was 58 years old.

Since Bob’s death, we experienced the loss of our dog Mimi (those of you who are dog lovers know that this is as traumatic as the death of a family member), my step-mother Helen who died the week before Easter after a 2 year battle with small cell cancer, my godfather John died of a brain tumor and my best friends dad died of congestive heart failure. Added to this were ongoing doctor appointments for my Aunt who is in a constant state of vertigo.  Just when I thought we had enough my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I rang in the New Year putting in raised toilet seats and bath benches to assist my husband Paul who spent the transition into 2012 in the hospital after surgery to replace his hip.

Tired yet? Me too!!

As I peer through the rear-view mirror at 2011, it can be easy to focus on the negative.  Any of these events alone could send a sane person over the edge, much less experiencing all of them within a 12 month period.

However; I would be remiss if I did not also focus my review goggles on the positive aspects:

  • Tillie, had surgery to repair and replace the valves in her heart, as well as triple bi-pass and is gaining strength as she recovers at home.
  • Due to the indescribable generosity of people in our life, my husband and I were able to fly to both Florida and Idaho to attend funerals for Bob and lend support to family on both ends of the country. (Note: because Bob died in Florida, his wife Judy allowed my in-laws, who are both too physically compromised to travel, to have a funeral in Florida before returning his body to Idaho.)
  • My Mom’s cancer was found early and, though she will need a few more surgeries, her prognosis is good.
  • Paul is out of the chronic pain caused by his hip and should be able to play softball again this summer.

Experiencing the effects of caregiving on and for several family members this year is a reminder of why I have dedicated my life to educate and support family caregivers.  With the events of 2011 in mind my company is moving forward on an initiative to create a national platform for sharing education and resources to family caregivers in the workplace.

Most importantly 2011 serves as a reminder to appreciate the people in my life and recognize the blessings that each day brings.

May your 2012 be filled with love, laughter and joy!

 

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2012 in against all odds, caregiving, caregiving and stress, disabilities, dying, eldercare, health care, healthcare, In Home Caregiving, losing a loved one

 

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